Posts tagged Robinson Cano

What happened: The 2012 New York Yankees bowed meekly before their new divisional overlords, losing a pair against the Jays and splitting with the “first-place” Orioles.

True Yankee™ gainers: Robinson Cano, the only Yankee who remembered to pack a bat for the Baltimore/Toronto field trip… Boone Logan, who’s been missing bats at a semi-Robertsonian clip in recent weeks… Derek Jeter, for extending his no-double-play streak to two games. If that isn’t leadership, I don’t know what is.

True Yankee™ waners: God, who hath smote the bullpen’s most pious minions… Mark Teixeira, because he can’t shake his cough and I can’t shake the feeling that this team would score more runs with Cano/Swisher/Granderson hitting 3-4-5. This would relegate Tex to batting 6th, or even lower against righty pitching… Alex Rodriguez, because he’s going into you-must-love-me overdrive in the wake of his power-deficient start. Expect a major-outlet interview in which he expresses great respect for the fans and says either “team” or some variation thereon (teamwork, teammate, etc.) 320 times over the course of 7 minutes.

What’s next: The Yankees come home, heads hanging hangdog-low, to play a pair against the Reds (defining characteristic: stubborn refusal to acknowledge necessity of OBP atop the batting order) and Royals (defining characteristic: lack of defining characteristic).

True Yankee™ on the spot: Joe Girardi. It’s difficult to get out-managed by Dusty Baker, most recently seen shoehorning his best pitcher into a medium-leverage role while chomping on a flame-broiled toothpick. But the possibility exists - think a late-game bunt for Martin or Jeter. Just to be safe, somebody oughta double-laminate the batter/pitcher pages of The Binder.

What happened: The 2012 New York Yankees won a mere two of three games against the Tampa Bay Rays, blowing perhaps their final opportunity to vault themselves back into the top-o’-the-division thicket.

True Yankee™ gainers: Robinson Cano, who has started to hit like Robinson Cano - an odd coincidence, given that his name is Robinson Cano - and thus defied the small-sample simpletons who read too much into his early-season sluggishness…C.C. Sabathia, though this is the last time we’ll celebrate a stopper-pitching-like-an-stopper performance in this space. Nobody celebrates a donut for tasting like a donut, am I right? Am I right?… Derek Jeter, for handling his first slumpy week of the season with the steely resolve of Walter Cronkite, Anne Frank and Bruce Wayne combined. And it isn’t like the stat skeptics are monitoring his ground-ball rate or anything like that. Nuh-uh.

True Yankee™ waners: David Robertson, for not only surrendering his first run in like half a season, but also for registering the Yankees’ first blown save since the John Wetteland era. Mariano must be turning over in his bed… Eduardo Nunez, a ball magnet no matter where you try to hide him on the diamond. Somehow he’ll find a way to undermine team defense from Rochester… Alex Rodriguez, who hasn’t hit a home run or driven in a run since Sunday. Let the on-base-getters-on get on base, Alex. Your job is to hit the ball far and refrain from preening like a jerkhole. Get with the program.

What’s next: The Seattle Mariners roll into town, all bright eyes and hopeful grins. Then the Yankees do a quickie two-stop road trip to play the Blue Jays and the “first place” Orioles before returning home for… interleague play? Already? The season has entered its adolescence.

True Yankee™ on the spot: Hiroki “Hideki” Kuroda. If he can’t shut down the Seattle lineup, we’re gonna start crafting a “dude can only get out little-ball National Leaguers, who slap and wiggle and bunt like the faeries of yore” narrative for him from which he’ll struggle to write himself out.

We begin with the infield.

Certified True Yankees™

Derek Jeter (SS): The real question is this: What would he have to do to lose True Yankee™ status? It would have to involve several of the following in concert: commission of slimy misdemeanor, like cemetery desecration; appearance with Ben Affleck in a buddy movie or during Fashion Week; endorsement of a fringe political candidate, one who wants to abolish the Federal Reserve and the San Diego Zoo; purchase of pied-à-terre on Beacon Hill; betrothal to blowsy trollop who chomps gum with her mouth open; and failure of steroid test and subsequent names-naming of other heretofore unknown habitual users from the 1996-2000 teams, including Paul O’Neill and Mariano Rivera. Especially Mariano Rivera.

Decent case for True-Yankee™ enshrinement

Robinson Cano (2B): But can the Yankees afford him when the team enters its Blighted Doom Season Of Luxury-Tax-Computation Frugality in 2014? Giggle giggle giggle - but seriously. If Cano sticks around and serves as a major contributor on another title team, he’ll spend eternity sleeping with the heroes of yesteryear, or something. That omnipresent, double-wide smile doesn’t hurt his case.

Mark Teixeira (1B): Wait ‘til we True Yankee™ cognoscenti get a look at his bunt-to-beat-the-overshift act this season. Why, in no time at all we’ll be throwing around adjectives like “cerebral.” Cerebrality (cerebralism? cerebralisticity?) makes the True Yankee™ heart thump contentedly, even if the individual being described as such often appears as worldly as a teamster.

Alex Rodriguez (3B): Not that this counts for much in the wake of the performance-enhancement scandale and all the horrific choking in every situation always ever, but A-Rod’s regular-season line as a Yankee is .295/.391/.550 (144 OPS+) and his playoff line is .260/.388/.480 (Jeter’s playoff line over that same seven-year stretch is .294/.354/.459). I’ll write on this some other day, but what A-Rod needs to do is turn heel. Kissing beat-reporter ass and saying the right things (“I care about nothing except winning. I could go 6-for-7 with 4 homers and 13 RBI and they’d be meaningless if we didn’t win. The collective trumps the individual. There is no ‘i’ in ‘team,’ ‘playoffs,’ ‘World Series,’ except for the ‘Series’ part, or ‘parade down the Canyon of Heroes’”) ain’t working for him.

Perhaps a True Yankee™ somewhere down the road

Abraham Nunez (utility): A lot would have to break exactly right for this to happen. To start, he’d have to be much better at baseball.

Not a True Yankee™ unless he donates a kidney to Yogi Berra

Eric Chavez (3B/1B): Lovely fella. Bones brittle like overdyed hair. Tendons strung tighter than solo rubber band around the Sunday NY Times. It’d sure be entertaining to watch the Internet cannibalize itself if Girardi pinch-hits him for Jeter against a tough righty, though.