Posts tagged Eric Chavez

We begin with the infield.

Certified True Yankees™

Derek Jeter (SS): The real question is this: What would he have to do to lose True Yankee™ status? It would have to involve several of the following in concert: commission of slimy misdemeanor, like cemetery desecration; appearance with Ben Affleck in a buddy movie or during Fashion Week; endorsement of a fringe political candidate, one who wants to abolish the Federal Reserve and the San Diego Zoo; purchase of pied-à-terre on Beacon Hill; betrothal to blowsy trollop who chomps gum with her mouth open; and failure of steroid test and subsequent names-naming of other heretofore unknown habitual users from the 1996-2000 teams, including Paul O’Neill and Mariano Rivera. Especially Mariano Rivera.

Decent case for True-Yankee™ enshrinement

Robinson Cano (2B): But can the Yankees afford him when the team enters its Blighted Doom Season Of Luxury-Tax-Computation Frugality in 2014? Giggle giggle giggle - but seriously. If Cano sticks around and serves as a major contributor on another title team, he’ll spend eternity sleeping with the heroes of yesteryear, or something. That omnipresent, double-wide smile doesn’t hurt his case.

Mark Teixeira (1B): Wait ‘til we True Yankee™ cognoscenti get a look at his bunt-to-beat-the-overshift act this season. Why, in no time at all we’ll be throwing around adjectives like “cerebral.” Cerebrality (cerebralism? cerebralisticity?) makes the True Yankee™ heart thump contentedly, even if the individual being described as such often appears as worldly as a teamster.

Alex Rodriguez (3B): Not that this counts for much in the wake of the performance-enhancement scandale and all the horrific choking in every situation always ever, but A-Rod’s regular-season line as a Yankee is .295/.391/.550 (144 OPS+) and his playoff line is .260/.388/.480 (Jeter’s playoff line over that same seven-year stretch is .294/.354/.459). I’ll write on this some other day, but what A-Rod needs to do is turn heel. Kissing beat-reporter ass and saying the right things (“I care about nothing except winning. I could go 6-for-7 with 4 homers and 13 RBI and they’d be meaningless if we didn’t win. The collective trumps the individual. There is no ‘i’ in ‘team,’ ‘playoffs,’ ‘World Series,’ except for the ‘Series’ part, or ‘parade down the Canyon of Heroes’”) ain’t working for him.

Perhaps a True Yankee™ somewhere down the road

Abraham Nunez (utility): A lot would have to break exactly right for this to happen. To start, he’d have to be much better at baseball.

Not a True Yankee™ unless he donates a kidney to Yogi Berra

Eric Chavez (3B/1B): Lovely fella. Bones brittle like overdyed hair. Tendons strung tighter than solo rubber band around the Sunday NY Times. It’d sure be entertaining to watch the Internet cannibalize itself if Girardi pinch-hits him for Jeter against a tough righty, though.