True Yankee Points

What happened: The 2012 New York Yankees bowed meekly before their new divisional overlords, losing a pair against the Jays and splitting with the “first-place” Orioles.

True Yankee™ gainers: Robinson Cano, the only Yankee who remembered to pack a bat for the Baltimore/Toronto field trip… Boone Logan, who’s been missing bats at a semi-Robertsonian clip in recent weeks… Derek Jeter, for extending his no-double-play streak to two games. If that isn’t leadership, I don’t know what is.

True Yankee™ waners: God, who hath smote the bullpen’s most pious minions… Mark Teixeira, because he can’t shake his cough and I can’t shake the feeling that this team would score more runs with Cano/Swisher/Granderson hitting 3-4-5. This would relegate Tex to batting 6th, or even lower against righty pitching… Alex Rodriguez, because he’s going into you-must-love-me overdrive in the wake of his power-deficient start. Expect a major-outlet interview in which he expresses great respect for the fans and says either “team” or some variation thereon (teamwork, teammate, etc.) 320 times over the course of 7 minutes.

What’s next: The Yankees come home, heads hanging hangdog-low, to play a pair against the Reds (defining characteristic: stubborn refusal to acknowledge necessity of OBP atop the batting order) and Royals (defining characteristic: lack of defining characteristic).

True Yankee™ on the spot: Joe Girardi. It’s difficult to get out-managed by Dusty Baker, most recently seen shoehorning his best pitcher into a medium-leverage role while chomping on a flame-broiled toothpick. But the possibility exists - think a late-game bunt for Martin or Jeter. Just to be safe, somebody oughta double-laminate the batter/pitcher pages of The Binder.

What happened: The 2012 New York Yankees failed to sweep the inferior-in-every-way-that-matters-and-some-that-don’t Mariners, once again calling into question their will to compete over the course of a 162-game regular season.

True Yankee™ gainers: Phil Hughes, who not only pitched seven full innings for the first time since grade school, but actually hit 94 mph on the kind YES Network gun. Radar guns, like hips, don’t lie… Raul Ibanez, who has a real knack of guessing fastball - the one pitch he can still drive - at the precise right moment… Derek Jeter, who summoned the courage and tenacity to single through the left side of the infield mere innings after he hit into a pair of rally-gutting double plays. This guy, he’s just wired differently than the rest of us, he really is.

True Yankee™ waners: Nick Swisher, for attempting to extend that ninth-inning double into a triple, even if replays showed his hand hit the base ahead of the tag. His general awesomeness can only excuse so much… Andy Pettitte, who looked nothing like the guy who dueled John Smoltz for eight-plus innings in the 1996 World Series. That Andy Pettitte weighed at least 20 pounds less and had few specks of grey around the temples… Alex Rodriguez, whose failure to hit a five-run homer on Sunday robbed Pettitte of his first W since 2010. Can you think of a single player who lets down his teammates, fans and friends with such metronomic regularity? I bet he’s a lousy neighbor, too, and always leaves his turn sign blinking long after he has changed lanes.

What’s next: The Yankees head to Baltimore for a two-game series against the upstart Orioles, whose fans are practically begging for some bigger, mightier entity to put a boot on their throats about now. Seriously: the Pirates were in a first-place tie on July 25 last season and still managed to lose their usual 90 games. If the Orioles persist with their spirited uppity feistiness into August, then we can have a conversation. Until then, just play along.

True Yankee™ on the spot: Cory Wade. He has transcended his waiver-claim lineage and evolved into a key bullpen cog. But with the late-game pecking order shuffled after Mariano’s unfortunate KC turf dance, Wade might actually find himself pitching in a high-leverage situation or three. It’s in God’s hands now.

What happened: The 2012 New York Yankees won a mere two of three games against the Tampa Bay Rays, blowing perhaps their final opportunity to vault themselves back into the top-o’-the-division thicket.

True Yankee™ gainers: Robinson Cano, who has started to hit like Robinson Cano - an odd coincidence, given that his name is Robinson Cano - and thus defied the small-sample simpletons who read too much into his early-season sluggishness…C.C. Sabathia, though this is the last time we’ll celebrate a stopper-pitching-like-an-stopper performance in this space. Nobody celebrates a donut for tasting like a donut, am I right? Am I right?… Derek Jeter, for handling his first slumpy week of the season with the steely resolve of Walter Cronkite, Anne Frank and Bruce Wayne combined. And it isn’t like the stat skeptics are monitoring his ground-ball rate or anything like that. Nuh-uh.

True Yankee™ waners: David Robertson, for not only surrendering his first run in like half a season, but also for registering the Yankees’ first blown save since the John Wetteland era. Mariano must be turning over in his bed… Eduardo Nunez, a ball magnet no matter where you try to hide him on the diamond. Somehow he’ll find a way to undermine team defense from Rochester… Alex Rodriguez, who hasn’t hit a home run or driven in a run since Sunday. Let the on-base-getters-on get on base, Alex. Your job is to hit the ball far and refrain from preening like a jerkhole. Get with the program.

What’s next: The Seattle Mariners roll into town, all bright eyes and hopeful grins. Then the Yankees do a quickie two-stop road trip to play the Blue Jays and the “first place” Orioles before returning home for… interleague play? Already? The season has entered its adolescence.

True Yankee™ on the spot: Hiroki “Hideki” Kuroda. If he can’t shut down the Seattle lineup, we’re gonna start crafting a “dude can only get out little-ball National Leaguers, who slap and wiggle and bunt like the faeries of yore” narrative for him from which he’ll struggle to write himself out.

What happened: The 2012 New York Yankees bowed down before the league’s loserheads, scoring only three runs in losing two of three to the “first place” Orioles and riding a sad case of the whiffsies to a split against the Royals.

True Yankee™ gainers: C.C. Sabathia, because on a day when the Yankees needed an ace - on a day when the specter of a Mariano-free future hung over the clubhouse like evil mistletoe - C.C. Sabathia was every bit that ace, chomping innings as if they were Chocolate Cheerios… David Robertson, who hasn’t permitted a batter to put a pitched ball into play since last August… Derek Jeter, the sole standing member of the Core Four™, unless you want to count Pettitte as a Core Four™ member, which really you shouldn’t, due to the brief exile in Houston and the Clemens-ish “I want to spend more time with my family… no, come to think of it, I don’t” sabbatical/reverse-retirement.

True Yankee™ waners: Joe Baseball Fan, robbed of the 55 or so innings worth of bullets that Mariano had left in his 2012 arsenal… Jayson Nix, for hitting the batting-practice gapper that, with an assist from the lip of the Kauffman Stadium warning track, felled the great Mariano… Alex Rodriguez, who made it known to anyone who asked that he is “close” to Mariano. Hello? High school much?

What’s next: A return home to face the shift-junkie Rays and the more-boring-than-sad Mariners. “But wait,” you say. “The Yankees aren’t hitting! What EVER will they do against Price and Felix and the rest?” Well, fair friend, Swisher is back and Gardner is close behind. This means that the hitters will ditch the bunting and clumsily executed hit-and-runs, and return to the grind-and-slug tactics that serve them so well. Seriously. If you’re sitting in the low seats in right field, wear a crash helmet.

True Yankee™ on the spot: Mark Teixeira. We’re a-needin’ a focal point for our frustration for the offense (6th in MLB in runs scored through Sunday, BTW) and he’s just sitting there, his mouth frozen in an eternal “duuuuhhhh.” Plus he is being paid a formidable sum to play baseball, which sets our resentment aflame like kerosene on prayer candles.

True Yankee™ gainers: C.C. Sabathia, who threw the way he does 19 times out of 20. He’s like a really fat metronome… Chris Stewart, who is totally not C.C.’s personal catcher, even though he only starts on the days Sabathia pitches and wears slacks and a dress shirt in the dugout on the days he doesn’t… Derek Jeter, whose horrible offensive drought over the weekend went unnoticed by this girl I saw in the park today. She was wearing an unlicensed Jeter shirt, one with “never underestimate the power of HEART” half-circled around a huge number 2 on its back. I didn’t think to get her opinion of Cap’n Pressure Cooker’s range at short. My bad. 

True Yankee™ waners: Freddy Garcia, who, following another body-cavity search of a start, answered the question “are you hurt or do you just suck?” with a darty-eyed “yes”… Joe Girardi or Curtis Granderson, or whoever the hell called for a sacrifice bunt in a nobody-out, man-on-first situation on Sunday. The pitcher was wild and Granderson is a murderous viking against right-handed pitching at the Stadium, and yet somebody thought a bunt was the tactic that would eventually produce a favorable offensive result? I’m going to dunk my head in the sink now… Alex Rodriguez, for failing to acknowledge Willie Mays after passing him on the all-time RBI list. Does this make A-Rod a racist? I think it does! Somebody get Selena Roberts on the phone.

What’s next: Three games against the first-place Baltimore Orioles, whose hot start has nothing to do with the ease-into-the-season-on-a-downy-cloud scheduling and everything to do with Buck Showalter’s messianic policies regarding uniform-pant tapering and strict curfew-adherence.

True Yankee™ on the spot: Raul Ibanez, who will be manning an outfield corner more or less every day until Nick Swisher returns from his hamstring strain. Any ball struck in the air will thus be more of an adventure than locking your kid in the car and Raiders Of The Lost Ark combined. Cross your fingers and brace for impact.

What happened: The 2012 New York Yankees lost two of three games to the Texas Rangers, confirming their status as the shlubby Oates to the Rangers’ immaculately coiffed Hall. Just as night follows day and Mike & Molly follows Two And A Half Men, so too do the Yankees linger in the Rangers’ long shadow.

True Yankee™ gainers: David Robertson, for being plus-plus, in scouting-kid parlance, as both a pitcher and a human being… Derek Jeter, who continues to approach each at-bat as if it’s his last. Have we confirmed that he isn’t suffering from a terminal illness?

True Yankee™ waners: Phil Hughes, though let’s not let his YES Network enablers off the hook. On Wednesday night, they squealed with delight every time Hughes hit 93 on the radar gun, which would be an achievement if those 93 mph heaters dove, darted or otherwise didn’t beg hitters to put them out of their misery… Michael Pineda, whose broken shoulder should prompt a product-liability lawsuit or something… Ron Washington, because he offends the True Yankee™ ideals of justice, fortitude and common sense on a nightly basis. He has batted Mike Napoli in the order’s bottom third 14 times in 17 games so far this season. It’s true. Just check this here linky-link… Alex Rodriguez, for only delivering a single in-your-FACE-jerkhead flourish to the chin of his former employers down Texas way. And to think the Rangers received the staggering return of Alfonso Soriano and Joaquin Arias (picked from a pool of players that included Robinson Cano) for him and $70 million of the cash remaining on his deal.

What’s next: Three games at home against the Detroit Tigers, who vanquished the Yankees in last year’s playoffs. If recent history holds, Jim Leyland will pull all sorts of wacky shit and it will all somehow work out (e.g., hit a .295 OBP guy in the two-hole ahead of Cabrera and Fielder). This will be inordinately frustrating to us True Yankee™ lovers of reason.

True Yankees™ on the spot: The entire rotation. It’d sure be swell if the starters threw together a good start or three, because people who produce baseball stories don’t quite get the concept of small sample sizes. Me, I prefer my Yankee sirloin without a side of stewed hysteria.

What happened: The 2012 New York Yankees justified the loyal, long-suffering fandom of thousands of Staten Island residents by sweeping a two-game, late-April series from the Red Sox at Fenway. In erasing Saturday’s 9-0 deficit with a 15-run barrage, the Yankees notched a victory that single-handedly atoned for their collapse in the 2004 American League Championship Series.

True Yankee™ gainers: Mark Teixeira and Nick Swisher, because it tends to induce amnesia about one’s struggles from the left side of the plate when one makes the ball go boom boom far away high fare thee well wheeeeee… Russell Martin, the current OBP-fetishist poster boy… Derek Jeter, for prompting Mike Aviles to catch his spikes in the infield turf while pursuing an undistinguished ground ball and fall flat on his ass. This resulted in the first butt single of El Intangiblito’s storied career, according to Baseball-Reference.com.

True Yankee™ waners: The starting pitchers, who appear to have a little belly-itcher in them… Joe Girardi, because asking Eduardo Nunez to play a competent 2B, SS or 3B is like asking a kindergartner to knit a wearable sweater. Technically both tasks are achievable, but the outcome can only be measured in degrees of unfavorability. There’s a vacancy in left field for the next week or three; Nunez can’t be any more directionally impaired out there than Raul Ibanez, unless he attempts to win a bet with his old fraternity buddies by wearing his stirrups blindfold-style… Alex Rodriguez, whose over-the-Monster bomb on Friday just felt like showing off. Also, he forearm-bumped indifferently with Swisher and Teixeira after their special moments.

What’s next: Series against the Rangers (in Arlington) and Tigers (at home), which will give the Yankees the opportunity to avenge their ignominious playoff defeats in 2010 and 2011. Nothing satisfies months-old competitive vengeful bloodlust like a win during the third full week of the regular season.

True Yankee™ on the spot: Hiroki Kuroda, who will be fighting for team and country alike when he bumps up against Yu Darvish on Tuesday night. Asked about the import of the matchup back home, Kuroda said something to the extent of “I will smite him and anyone who dares make a Yu/you pun in my presence, especially ‘Yu had me at hello.’” This was promptly reinterpreted by his translator as “It’s not me-against-him. As I understand it, baseball is a team game.” Pretty crafty, translator man.

What happened: The 2012 New York Yankees endangered their delicate-as-a-hothouse-flower playoff hopes by losing two of four games to the Minnesota Twins, a team without a single pitcher that inspires an emotion other than despair.

True Yankee™ gainers: Curtis Granderson, even as his Thursday-night bashery inspired tens of “The Grandy Man Can!” headlines. Punny editors are more of a threat to our well-being than medical marijuana dispensaries and fringe terrorist sects combined… David Robertson, but the credit should be spread around the Thoreau-deep bullpen. Plus kudos to Girardi for defining everyone’s role before April is out; The Binder is as wise as it is three-ringed… Derek Jeter, for making it really challenging to mock his performance in the context of Yankee-loyalist overstatement. Dude’s been the game’s best shortstop so far [insert small-sample-size caveat here].

True Yankee™ waners: Eduardo Nunez, even though he’s proving a punchy little guy at the plate. On the days he tags in at second or third, the Yankees often count four horrific defenders (Nunez, Jeter, Swisher, Ibanez) among their starters… Hiroki Kuroda, whose crafty deceptiveness was not craftily deceiving to Justin Morneau… Alex Rodriguez, because there was this one ball hit last night that he totally could’ve caught but he didn’t catch it, because he’s a total choker.

What’s next: The first of six belabored series against the Red Sox, each game of which will be a Sisyphus-meets-the-Donner-Party ordeal pockmarked by endless at-bats and myriad pitching changes. As always, the enmity in the bleachers will outweigh the enmity on the field by a multiple of 200.

True Yankee™ on the spot: C.C. Sabathia, who could use one of those throw-team-on-yacht-sized back starts about now. It’s been, what, four outings since he produced one of those? Bad ace! Bad!

What happened: The 2012 New York Yankees took two of three from the Los Angeles Angels, lifting their record above .500 and inserting themselves into a playoff race that, last week at this time, seemed as distant and unreachable as the sun’s sun.

True Yankee™ gainers: Ivan Nova, who pitched through what team docs later called a “power-sniffle”… Raul Ibanez, for doing exactly what he’s supposed to do: provide power and trench-deep at-bats against righty pitching, and spread veteranny clubhouse bonhomie on the days when the Yanks face a portsider… Derek Jeter, because his 2012 contributions have blown past “sublime” on the way to “mythical.” How isn’t there a national holiday in his honor? This is Obama’s fault.

True Yankee™ waners: Phil Hughes, whose first two starts have prompted me to question the key tenet underlying my personal baseball philosophy (that 200 good starter innings are better than 70 great bullpen ones, because 200 is more than 70)… Rafael Soriano, for attempting to shake off his rust in a public setting, which is a class-C felony in some of the more prudish parts of the country… Alex Rodriguez, who couldn’t find a single nice thing to say about Cory Wade’s performance in Sunday night’s game. And still he wonders why his Q Score is so low.

What’s next: Four home games against the Twins, who make up for their inability to pitch, hit or field with an uncanny knack for self-concussing. Separately, the Twins’ current Angels/Rangers/Yankees/Rays/Red Sox stretch suggests some kind of profound personal grudge on the part of Bob T. Schedulemaker.

True Yankee™ on the spot: Chris Stewart. In his first Yankee Stadium start for the home team, he’ll have to contend with throngs of fans still peeved that the team chose to deal away George “The Kont-Miss Kid” Kontos for a faceless backup catcher with a toothpick bat. Those self-anointed Kontosians can get nasty; Stewart better hope the team store doesn’t sell D-size batteries.

What happened: The 2012 New York Yankees swept a three-game series from their perpetual whipping boys in Baltimore, with two of the wins coming in extra innings. As a result, the playoffs remain a remote possibility, a star glimmering ever-dimly on the periphery of some distant galaxy.

True Yankee™ gainers: Ivan Nova, whose start stabilized a flagging ship, or something… The whole bullpen but especially David Phelps, whose fastball does a nifty little dipsy-doo when it crosses the plate… Derek Jeter, for the home run and the inspiring effort on a grounder, hit half-sharply two steps to his left, that somehow managed to elude him.

True Yankee™ waners: Joe Girardi, whose binder now includes the following insert, scrawled murderously in death-black ink: DO NOT USE YOUR 42-YEAR-OLD CLOSER THREE DAYS IN A ROW EVEN IF HE IS AN UNBREAKABLE SUPERROBOT… Eduardo Nunez, who runs the bases like a manic squirrel and fields the ball casually, as if he’s trying to impress the ladies with his imperturbability. There are garden gnomes with better baseball instincts… Alex Rodriguez, for blowing off a mandatory team function at a children’s cancer clinic*.

What’s next: The home opener, headlined by a first pitch from Jorge Posada and the fourth-ever Yankee Stadium appearance by superstar/future luxury-tax albatross Albert Pujols. The Yanks will miss both Dan Haren and Jered “Jared” Weaver, which doesn’t hurt.

True Yankee™ on the spot: Hiroki Kuroda, because you never get a second chance to make a first impression, unless the people upon whom you hope to make that impression are blackout-drunk. Sadly, it’s not looking like vodka weather tomorrow afternoon.

*may not actually have happened

What happened: The 2012 New York Yankees were eliminated from playoff consideration following a three-day sweep at the hands of the Tampa Bay Rays. George M. Steinbrenner III, buried only a few miles to the north of The Trop, voiced his disapproval with the vigor and rhetorical flair of a much more alive man.

True Yankee™ gainers: Cory Wade, for yet again throwing the team across his broad shoulders and saying, “I got your backs, yo”… Raul Ibanez, for the dinger (the “ee-BOMB-nez,” per how I imagine John Sterling called it) on Friday and for almost handling a ball cleanly in right field on Sunday… Derek Jeter, for having the courage and tenacity to lay off a just-outside James Shields changeup in a 1-0 count during an early-game at-bat.

True Yankee™ waners: Mariano Rivera, for a rare performance that suggests he’s something other than a hyper-able robot sent here from a planet in a galaxy other than our own to add class and tranquility to my sweet baseball nights… Mark Teixeira, for not linking his propensity to pull the ball with the shifts that place eight defenders on the right side of second base… Alex Rodriguez, for only getting on base 7 times in 14 tries.

What’s next: A three-game series against the hotter-than-Equatorial-Guinea-and-microwaved-broth-combined Orioles, coached with type-A bluster by True Yankee™ Executive Trainee Program dropout Buck Showalter.

True Yankee™ on the spot: Ivan Nova, who is either hearing Andy Pettitte’s footsteps or listening to Best of the U.S. Marine Corps Marching Band: Songs You Know By Heart on his iPod.

And finally, the bullpen.

Certified True Yankees™

Mariano Rivera: Don’t get me wrong - his Yankeeness is as True™ as the oceans are vast, as the stars are bright, as the sun is burny-glowy. If True Yankees™ were luxury cars, he’d be the Bentley/Maybach hybrid offered only to the world’s eminent financiers and clergymen. That said, The Great Rivera contributes 60-70 innings per season, which isn’t a lot. Even factoring in the utterly unquantifiable peace of mind his presence bestows, his True Yankeeicity™ has to rank behind modern-era pal Derek Jeter and long-ago legends like Gehrig, Ruth, Berra, DiMaggio, Ford, Mantle and the rest.

Decent case for True-Yankee™ enshrinement

none

Perhaps a True Yankee™ somewhere down the road

David Robertson: Between his general amiability, his wealth of charity work and his recent track record of striking out the universe when there’s a runner on third and fewer than two outs, Robertson has built up a boatload of goodwill for the time when (if?) he inherits the closer gig. That goodwill reservoir should sustain him through three blown saves and a tabloid shitstorm or two.

Joba Chamberlain: Imagine how differently the keepers of the True Yankee™ flame would’ve reacted if it had been A-Rod who injured himself while trampolining with his two daughters. Void his contract! Rescind his parental-visitation privileges! Pronounce him in violation of God’s law! Etc.

Not a True Yankee™ unless he volunteers to spend a weekend afternoon helping Don Mattingly move

Rafael Soriano: Brian Cashman, who has already staked out real estate in the team administrator/architect wing of the True Yankee™ museum (a building so elegant and pleasing to the senses it makes the Guggenheim look like a giant pale turd), never wanted him around. That in itself would be enough to disqualify Soriano from True Yankee™ consideration, but then he went and, in the greatest betrayal since that one guy did that thing to Jesus, ducked the media after a crummy outing. Shame on him and the parents who raised him.

Boone Logan: Seems like a nice enough fellow. Not a True Yankee™. Back-o’-the-pen pitchers are fungible.

Cory Wade: Seems like a nice enough fellow. Not a True Yankee™. Back-o’-the-pen pitchers are fungible and everybody knows this, except the Mets.

Clay Rapada/second lefty in pen: Too soon to say if he’s a nice enough fellow. Not a True Yankee™ regardless. Back-o’-the-pen pitchers are fungible and everybody knows this, except the Mets. True Yankees™ stand the test of time, like mountains or acid-etched graffiti.

Today we’re up to starting pitchers and catchers - who probably should’ve been grouped with the infielders. Eh, whatever.

Certified True Yankees™

Andy Pettitte: He’s a True Yankee™ like bauxite is an impure mixture of earthy hydrous aluminum oxides and hydroxides, but has any recent-vintage legend been given more free passes than Pettitte has? Nobody holds anything against him: not his early-career swoon, not his free-agent defection, not his extremely-limited-like-only-twice-and-he-totally-didn’t-inhale adventures in chemical enhancement, not his rotation-hollowing retirement/sabbatical. Can anyone remember how Pettitte explained away the HGH thing, other than that he did so while looking straight into the cameras with sad, heavy eyes? True Yankees™ are as adept at eye contact and plain-talkin’ as they are at cap-tipping on Old-Timers’ Day.

Decent case for True-Yankee™ enshrinement

C.C. Sabathia: If he plays out his contract - not an automatic, given that his tree-trunk of a plant leg threatens to collapse the mound with its every landing - he’ll have logged nine seasons in pinstripes. We unhooked the True Yankee™ velvet rope for Mussina after eight seasons and his fingers are as bereft of championship rings as they are of patchy tufts of knuckle hair. The title drought was totally all his fault, too; this should be tattooed on his forehead and etched onto his tombstone.

Perhaps a True Yankee™ somewhere down the road

Phil Hughes: If reports from Florida are to be trusted, he found the five missing miles per hour on his fastball. Apparently he left them in the trunk of his rental Prius. Could’ve happened to anyone. Put him back on the True Yankee™ fast track.

Russell Martin: True Yankees™ do NOT pose for cheesecake shots in strategically tousled linen shirts and undershorts. They do, however, pursue the sort of above-market contract that Martin wants after 2012 and point to intangibles (“really cares,” “gets the uniform dirty,” “does not have pending litigation with any member of the pitching staff”) as a primary reason he’s worth the dough.

Ivan Nova: One can be a True Yankee™ without missing bats (because courage knows no strike zone), but one can’t really be a great pitcher skating by like Nova did in 2011 - and “greatness” is quite important to the True Yankee™ nominating committee. See the problem here?

Michael Pineda: He starts this season in the red, having accumulated minus-12 True Yankee™ Points for arriving at spring training shaped like a pear and toned like a half-deflated hot air balloon. It’ll take at least four dominant innings to recapture our hearts.

Francisco Cervelli: Yip yip yip pant pant pant pant wag wag goes the puppy. He gets credit for his stoicism in the face of getting snowplowed at home plate a few springs back, though. That was some neo-Chad-Curtisian stoic shit, man.

Not a True Yankee™ unless he donates bone marrow to Tino Martinez’s unborn grandchild

Hiroki Kuroda: Let’s withhold judgment until we see him face the AL’s four scary designated hitters and hear his translator soften a few quotes (a rant in his native tongue about ill-mannered beat reporters who shove microphones up players’ snouts should become “I didn’t have my best stuff tonight,” etc.). Separately, ten bucks says one of the YES guys calls him “Hideki” Kuroda before the month is out.

Okay, now the outfield/DH types.

Certified True Yankees™

None

Decent case for True-Yankee™ enshrinement

Nick Swisher (RF): If he ascends the platinum-encrusted stepstool into True-Yankee™ immortality, it will be because we allowed personality to enter into the negotiations. Of all the Yankees, Swisher is the one you’d want in your fantasy football league or as your Bar-Mitzvah hype man. The take-the-field salute to the Bleacher Creatures is just icing on the awesome-dude cake. He has a standing invitation to any/all social functions at my house.

Curtis Granderson (CF): He belongs to a generation of True Yankees™ who share nothing in common, comportment-wise, with their forbears. Babe Ruth, for example, had “appetites,” while Mickey Mantle “liked vodka” and Joe DiMaggio “never tipped more than 5 percent at restaurants.” Granderson’s niceness, like Meryl Streep’s artistry or Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger’s steering, can only be discussed in hushed, reverent tones.

Perhaps a True Yankee™ somewhere down the road

Brett Gardner (LF/CF): Gardner has a lot going for him True-Yankee™-wise. He’s a homegrown product, in so much as one can cultivate ballplayers in the backyard garden, and is proudly, fiercely chaw-cheeked, a throwback to the days when speed-and-gristle guys made middle-aged white sportswriters swoon. But the lack of extra-base power limits his appeal.

Not a True Yankee™ unless he successfully performs the Heimlich on a gagging Whitey Ford

Andruw Jones (LF/RF/DH): He seems like a nice enough fellow, mixing easily with his teammates and ably handling the demands of his limited role. Ah, but a young Mr. True Yankee™ Points will forever hold Jones’ past sins against him. That ruined my night. The ticket was a graduation present.

Raul Ibanez (DH): Remind me again: Why do the Yankees place such a premium on veteranish professionalism? It seems unlikely that the team needs an Ibanez sort to remind Jeter to remove his cap during the playing of the National Anthem, or to provide a sturdy shoulder upon which Sabathia can have a therapeutic cry after a rough outing.

We begin with the infield.

Certified True Yankees™

Derek Jeter (SS): The real question is this: What would he have to do to lose True Yankee™ status? It would have to involve several of the following in concert: commission of slimy misdemeanor, like cemetery desecration; appearance with Ben Affleck in a buddy movie or during Fashion Week; endorsement of a fringe political candidate, one who wants to abolish the Federal Reserve and the San Diego Zoo; purchase of pied-à-terre on Beacon Hill; betrothal to blowsy trollop who chomps gum with her mouth open; and failure of steroid test and subsequent names-naming of other heretofore unknown habitual users from the 1996-2000 teams, including Paul O’Neill and Mariano Rivera. Especially Mariano Rivera.

Decent case for True-Yankee™ enshrinement

Robinson Cano (2B): But can the Yankees afford him when the team enters its Blighted Doom Season Of Luxury-Tax-Computation Frugality in 2014? Giggle giggle giggle - but seriously. If Cano sticks around and serves as a major contributor on another title team, he’ll spend eternity sleeping with the heroes of yesteryear, or something. That omnipresent, double-wide smile doesn’t hurt his case.

Mark Teixeira (1B): Wait ‘til we True Yankee™ cognoscenti get a look at his bunt-to-beat-the-overshift act this season. Why, in no time at all we’ll be throwing around adjectives like “cerebral.” Cerebrality (cerebralism? cerebralisticity?) makes the True Yankee™ heart thump contentedly, even if the individual being described as such often appears as worldly as a teamster.

Alex Rodriguez (3B): Not that this counts for much in the wake of the performance-enhancement scandale and all the horrific choking in every situation always ever, but A-Rod’s regular-season line as a Yankee is .295/.391/.550 (144 OPS+) and his playoff line is .260/.388/.480 (Jeter’s playoff line over that same seven-year stretch is .294/.354/.459). I’ll write on this some other day, but what A-Rod needs to do is turn heel. Kissing beat-reporter ass and saying the right things (“I care about nothing except winning. I could go 6-for-7 with 4 homers and 13 RBI and they’d be meaningless if we didn’t win. The collective trumps the individual. There is no ‘i’ in ‘team,’ ‘playoffs,’ ‘World Series,’ except for the ‘Series’ part, or ‘parade down the Canyon of Heroes’”) ain’t working for him.

Perhaps a True Yankee™ somewhere down the road

Abraham Nunez (utility): A lot would have to break exactly right for this to happen. To start, he’d have to be much better at baseball.

Not a True Yankee™ unless he donates a kidney to Yogi Berra

Eric Chavez (3B/1B): Lovely fella. Bones brittle like overdyed hair. Tendons strung tighter than solo rubber band around the Sunday NY Times. It’d sure be entertaining to watch the Internet cannibalize itself if Girardi pinch-hits him for Jeter against a tough righty, though.

A few years back, in the gauzy afterglow of yet another courageously magnificent Yankee championship, a few friends and I got to talking about the notion of being a True Yankee™. The conversation arose in the wake of the 2,000 post-title-coital stories speculating whether Alex Rodriguez had, by smacking two neo-Brosiusian clutch dingers and otherwise making a general nuisance of himself, earned his True Yankee™ stripes. As expected, everybody voted against A-Rod, because he’s kind of an ass.

Ah, but in this era of “reason” and “data-based decision-making” and “ignoring one’s gut, unless one’s gut calls for a Chipwich,” how might one formalize the True Yankee™ enshrinement process? Separately, are True Yankees™ born or made? Who’s the True Yankee™-est of them all? Is it possible to become a True Yankee™ without winning a title, or in less than a lifetime in pinstripes?

Those are the questions we’ll attempt to answer in this proto-Tweetablog (be a dear and follow us here). On a game-by-game basis, we’ll award points for hustle (+2), cool under pressure (+5), failing to pitch out or run or swing away when the stupidhead radio broadcaster says you should (+10) and ranging three steps to the right in the hole between short and third, stabbing the grounder backhanded, planting your fore-foot in the turf, hopping in the air with the springy gusto of a kangaroo and throwing the ball over to first base, whether or not it beats the runner to the bag (+25). We’ll subtract points for getting picked off (-5), dogging it (-8), blowing off the media after a rough outing (-12) and failing to consider the jealousy-inciting effect your paparazzi-documented trip to a Miami Beach haberdasher with Torrie Wilson might have on your noble, baseball-focused teammates (-75).

We’ll render verdicts on True Yankees™ from the past and speculate on the True Yankee™ potential of prospects. During HOPE Week, we’ll make a donation to the individual or group that best exemplifies what being a True Yankee™ is all about (inveterate bunters need not apply).

This will be fun, because baseball is fun. It’s true. Ask anybody. Say hello at TrueYankeePoints@gmail.com, won’t you?